User-Friendly

I had a plan to be an Aussie of real stature,
to be a man amongst the men who lead the
way. I’d stand as tall and straight as Weary
Dunlop, as broadly based as Gough Whitlam,
and look Malcolm Frazer directly in the eye,
provided he was wearing trousers of course,
otherwise one’s obliged to avert the gaze.

Part two of the plan was to avoid the pitfalls
of public exposure panned by politicians like
Peter Costello and his rabid mate Tony ‘sic ‘em’
Abbott. Or a near-death experience in progress
which Phillip Ruddock manages with panache.
Instead I’d adopt the charm of a bloke who’d
make a damn good President, ol’ Ernie Dingo.

I don’t want sex appeal so Hugh Jackman and
me other mate Paul Hogan have to take a back
seat – but character is demanded so Peter Finch
gets a role in me. And that about wraps it except
for brains. I thought about it for bloody ages,
you know there’s no damn surplus of the stuff –
we’ve been sending it outta here for years.

It looked like the plan was gunna come unstuck
until I had a brainwave. Marry some. And wouldn’t
you believe it, behind every beer-swillin’, pot-bellied
Aussie bloke stands a sheila with brains to burn just
champing at their bits. And Jesus mate, they dress
waybetter ‘n us, wear ripper hats at the Melbourne
Cup and all of ‘em come with user-friendly tits.
© 3 May 2007, I.D. Carswell